December 2005

An interview in the Russian-language daily “The New Russian Word” with an undocumented Ukrainian worker named Nicolai Stepanovich confirms that this country has more illegal alien problems than we thought: Illegal Ukrainian immigrants are taking jobs away from illegal Hispanics!

But some argue that the work Ukrainians do is stuff that no Hispanic illegal is willing to do.

And they’re right. Anyone who has had the opportunity to observe illegal Mexicans and such in action lately will have noticed: they’re getting uppity–and lazy! So here’s the solution to our illegal immigration woes: out with the Hispanics and in with the Slavs! And when the Slavs start getting uppity, we’ll find a new illegal nationality. And so on and so on…

Professor Sami al-Arian was acquitted this week of helping fund Palestinian Islamic Jihad, which is responsible for killing more than 100 Jews. I guess now he can go join the neo-Nazis and try to establish the perfect al-Arian Nation.

The AP recently reported that in Gode, Ethiopia, “U.S. troops found two cheetah cubs –one of them blinded–being forced to fight each other for the amusement of jeering children. The soldiers of the U.S. counterterrorism task force…came across the three-month-old cheetahs ‘performing’ at a restaurant run by Mohamed Hudle. The Djibouti-based task force…mounts humanitarian projects aimed at improving the U.S. military’s image among Muslims” as part of the military’s “hearts and minds” campaign.

Hudle’s 4-year-old and 2-year-old sons “pulled the cubs’ tails and dragged them around their sun-parched yard by ropes tied tightly to their necks. Other children followed, poking and teasing the frightened cats…Mohamed also has a hawk with a broken wing and three scrawny baby ostriches.”

I hate to point out the obvious, but doesn’t “winning hearts and minds” first require that there be hearts and minds to win?

And here’s the irony: These are the kinds of places where we have to improve our image.

If we want to improve our image in Muslim countries, we need to start poisoning dogs and setting cats on fire.

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