February 2006

OK, now Bush is taking the old adage “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer” just a little too far. It was all well and good to apply it to Bill Clinton, his new “friend”, but to keep an eye on Arabs by letting them keep an eye on our ports, well that’s taking things just a bit too literally.

It appears Germany is finding itself again by defending those who helped the country in Hitler’s hour of need. Incidentally, so is Croatia. That’s the Nazi satellite state whom we helped (scroll to Chicago Trib piece) during the 1990s Balkan wars to massacre Serbs–again.

On the issue of the ports, it’s possible that the Bush administration is merely following the example of Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. After all, if a Saudi can control Fox News, why can’t Dubai control our ports?

Australian policitican Danna Vale got into trouble last week when she told reporters that “Australians were aborting themselves ‘almost out of existence’ and suggested that the country could become a Muslim nation within 50 years as a result,” the AFP reported, adding that “the remarks angered the Muslim community which labelled them racist and divisive while Vale’s fellow parliamentarians described them as offensive.”

This is confusing. Because everything you read today makes reference to Europeans, Americans and other Western nations not reproducing enough and aborting too much–while Muslims multiply and multiply. Every “white” country has projections either about becoming a majority Muslim nation by such-and-such year or about white people generally being outnumbered by other races/ethnicities by such-and-such year. In America, for example, newspapers gleefully publish post-census reports which project that in 20 or so years, white people will no longer be the majority race.

So maybe the reason people are upset with Vale is that she said Australia would become Muslim…as if it were a bad thing?

On a related note, while white folks pretend to be happy about soon being outnumbered in their respective countries, here’s what 10-year-old Jyza Sybai, of the United Arab Emirates, had to say about the new Syrian barbie doll “Fulla”:

“All my friends have Fulla now, but I still like Barbie the best. She has blond hair and cool clothes. Every single girl in Saudi looks like Fulla, with the dark hair and the black scarf. What’s so special about that?”

Fulla is actually the second Muslim barbie. Her predecessor is Razanne, manufactured by an Arab-owned company in Michigan. To some extent, these dolls are a reaction to the fact that the American Barbie is Jewish, as the Saudi religious police inform us. Razanne, meanwhile, is very modest: she’s got no curves, she’s covered from head to toe, and when she bumps into Jewish Barbie, she explodes.

When he approved the sale of the firm in charge of port security in six major American cities to a Dubai company, Republicans and Democrats agreed that George W. Bush may have gone insane in recent weeks. While that is indeed a distinct possibility, it’s also possible that the president was thinking, “Well it seemed to bother so many people in the country that we were wiretapping the terrorists that I figured we’d just give ‘em the ports!”

In the divorce of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, Lachey is seeking spousal support from his ex-wife, along with some jewelry. If he is granted spousal support (and especially if he is granted the jewelry), then there should be a new law that if a man seeks spousal support from his ex-wife, he has to have a sex change and be referred to in all court documents as “the bitch.”

In the new Turkish film “Valley of the Wolves Iraq”, a bloodthirsty, money-hungry Jewish doctor is played by Irish drunk Gary Busey. The doctor removes and sells organs from innocent Iraqi wedding guests after American soldiers crash a wedding party and shoot at them for fun. It’s Turkey’s most expensive movie in history and advance tickets have been selling out.

A Palestinian movie that was highlighted in the documentary film “Obsession: Radical Islam’s War Against the West” and which played in the Arab-occupied Israeli territories on Passover was about a rabbi trying to kill a Christian child whose blood he needed in order to make the “special Passover matzoh.” A scene showed two men holding down the child while the rabbi character slit his throat over a bowl. Considering that before this clip, the “Obsession” audience had just witnessed real footage of beheadings and charred American and Israeli bodies being dragged by trucks through Muslim streets, the fictional rabbi scene didn’t exactly achieve the desired effect; in fact, it seemed rather innocuous in comparison.

So here’s the creative crisis for Muslims: considering the gorefest that they treat us to on a daily basis in the non-fiction realm of the real world–in which they employ quite literally the very methods they accuse Jews and the West of in their fiction, and considering the over-the-top methods they’ve innovated– which put horror filmmakers Wes Craven and John Carpenter to shame–what can they possibly portray America or Jews as doing that will elicit any kind of horror at all from an audience? Between promising to drink the blood of Jews, pouring acid onto women’s faces, beheading Christian children and chopping off people’s hands and feet for public spectacle (and enthusiastic spectators there are), what Muslims do on a daily basis almost by rote upstages any horror show they could possibly conceive of and attribute to us.

Talk about a society desensitized to violence! While here we worry that our children’s violent video games may lead to real-life violence, there they worry that their murderous children might God forbid play a video game.

Indeed, the horror film genre would be redundant in the Arab world, where the macabre is mundane. That’s probably why Moustapha Akkad, the producer of all the “Halloween” movies, invested in American movies. That is, until he was killed in November when al Qaeda bombed a WEDDING PARTY at a hotel in Amman, Jordan.

Meanwhile, the next “Friday the 13th” movie is in the works—reportedly a prequel to the series in which unkillable serial killer Jason Voorhies goes around killing young people in a camp. But rather than a prequel, might I suggest a simple variation: the theme would remain the same–a serial killer is lurking in a camp, only the camp is a Palestinian terrorist-refugee camp, and it could be called “Jason…in Gaza” (ch-ch-ch-ch-ah-ah-ah-ah-ch-ch-ch-ch-ah-ah-ah-ah).

Journalists still found something to complain about after news of Vice President Dick Cheney’s accidental shooting of a hunting companion was made public the day after the incident. Members of the White House press corps demanded to know why they hadn’t been informed of the incident the day it happened. In other words, Dick Cheney’s big mistake was calling 911 before calling the New York Times.

According to an AP article, new findings by archeological forensics teams based in Mexico City confirm that before the evil European colonizers came to “tame” the so-called primitive Aztec and Mayan cultures of South America and usurp their land, these two vibrant civilizations did in fact engage in human sacrifice on a wide scale, most often of children—cutting out hearts, decapitating, clawing, slicing, stoning, crushing, skinning or burning to death, as well as stuffing body parts into cooking dishes. It was considered a good omen if the children cried a lot at the time of sacrifice, which scientists believe was most likely done by slitting their throats.

To think, all that culture…lost.

Reuters reports that the nonprofit group Consumers Union has come out with a new guide to contraception after testing condoms to find out which ones measure up best. The top brand, able to take the most punishment, was the Durex Extra Sensitive Lubricated Latex, while a melon-colored model distributed by Planned Parenthood performed the worst, bursting during a test in which the latex condoms were filled with air.

Asked for comment, Planned Parenthood responded, “Well, how do you propose we get repeat customers?”

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