March 2017


There’s probably a reason the restaurant reviewed here is the only Nigerian restaurant in Las Vegas. The review and a translation below. But first, let’s start with the fact that this was the dish that was featured in the photo in the print edition:

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A bowl of fish pepper soup cost $12.99. (Brian Sandford/View) @nweditor

Mm-mmm!

Online there was also this photo:


The lunch special, jollof rice, came with chicken and plantains. The rice was cooked with blended tomatoes, onions and spices. (Brian Sandford/View) @nweditor

(Would you eat something that appears to be looking back at you?)

Las Vegas Valley’s only Nigerian eatery offers distinctive food and decor

By BRIAN SANDFORD
VIEW ASSISTANT EDITOR

Nigerian food might well be an acquired taste. If so, one probably needs to visit Chiamaka Food Nigerian Cuisine more than once to acquire it.

[ ‘Nigerian food be nasty. You’d have to force-feed it to yourself for years to stop noticing its nastiness.’ The dinner-table scene from “Mommy Dearest” comes to mind.]

The restaurant, fairly well-hidden in a nondescript shopping center just southeast of UNLV, has its charms. [ ‘The restaurant is a storefront in a ghetto strip mall.’ As for the charms:] No two tables or sets of chairs in the dining area were alike, giving the place an antiques-store vibe. [ ‘They got the furniture out of a dumpster, like the hippy-run places do.’] A sectional couch faced a flat-screen TV that played overly loud music videos until the restaurant’s operators accommodated a request to turn it down. [ ‘In case the grossness of the food and the whole scene wasn’t enough, it’s loud too.’]

A warm greeting from a restaurant employee was followed by a half-hour wait until the food arrived. [ ‘We had to wait half an hour to get our stomach-turning dishes.’] The lunch special, jollof rice with chicken and plantains, was a good value at $9.99; the fish pepper soup, which was served in a bowl about 6 inches in diameter and cost $12.99, was not….The bitter soup consisted primarily of thin broth and chunks of whitefish, the latter of which included skin and bones. That made it difficult to consume; a couple of the bones were more than an inch long, while others were too small to be picked out easily. [NO TRANSLATION NECESSARY.]

Chiamaka was empty at 11:30 a.m. but nearly full an hour later. The swelling crowd might explain why it took a long time for the bill to be processed. [ ‘Then we had to wait a long time to pay for our nasty lunch.’]

I’d say a restaurant may be the biggest Nigerian scam yet.

I’ll tell Nigerians what I tell Texas transplants who insist on still buying Blue Bell ice cream because it’s from back home: Just because you’re from a certain place doesn’t mean you have to keep eating the shitty food. Nigerians, you’re in America now — there’s edible food here, with civilized menu options. Just look at me: My first day in America saw me liberated from the Russian frozen-fat delicacy known as holodetz, and upgraded to Frankenberry.

I wasn’t going to post anything this March 24th, as it all goes into a black hole anyway, but then that Impact Award was announced for our next First Female President. And so I’ve drafted the following for the “Hillarisms” facebook page, where it will appear in a few hours and where I’m lately more active than on this site.

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News that Chelsea Clinton is to receive an Impact Award from Variety and the Lifetime network for her work fighting childhood obesity is being met with wide scoffing. After all, we already have a cure for childhood obesity. It’s called puberty.

One can, however, understand this issue — which Chelsea pursued through an affiliate of The Clinton Foundation — being dear to a Clinton heart. After all, childhood obesity is the very scourge over which her father bonded with a 21-year-old intern as they lamented their difficult and insecure childhoods to each other, according to the 1998 Lewinsky exposés in NY Post and NY Times.

In contrast, as a young boy of 12, Novak Djokovic successfully fought off obesity by training in tennis while dodging the impact of our NATO bombs that were dropping to hand over Christian land to Albanian-Muslim terrorists backed simultaneously by Turkey and Saudi Arabia. It was today, March 24th, in 1999 that Chelsea’s dad announced this workout for Novak and other Yugoslavian children who also never got the chance to get fat, as their lifetimes were impacted into oblivion while they slept. For variety, in the case of three-year-old Milica Rakic, she was on the potty when her lifetime was cut short.

Indeed, the Impact Award — set for an April 21st Power of Women luncheon — was announced as we enter the 18th anniversary of the 78 days that the impact of the Clintern relationship was felt most acutely by Yugoslavia — the designated decoy — which itself started getting skinnier and skinnier until it disappeared in 2003. (Thanks in large part to the Power of the Woman giving the man the order to give the order to impact.) Since then, we have fattened NATO with spoils such as Croatia, Melania’s Slovenia, and — currently being fought over in Congress—Montenegro…with Kosovo and maybe even emaciated Serbia to join eventually. All to encircle Russia and cut her down to size (ultimately even physically), as is the goal of the repurposed NATO alliance.

Instead, however, we’ll all feel the squeeze when Russia bites back, and in the end Chelsea’s Alliance for a Healthier Tomorrow will have been intimately connected with a Dalliance for an Unhealthier Day After Tomorrow.