In typical media fashion, a major Obama bombshell is being ignored: the man doesn’t like ice cream. Can we really afford to risk the Oval Office on someone who dislikes the one undislikeable food on the planet? And what accounts for his dislike of the cold, creamy, pacifying more-American-than-apple-pie stuff? The fact that he worked at a Baskin & Robbins as a teenager.

Well that explains a lot. Baskin & Robbins ice cream is frozen sugar water. To banish an entire category of food based on his experience with the cheapest, most flavorless version of it is racist. I worked at Ben & Jerry’s, Darrell’s Almost Famous Ice Creamery and Friendly’s — and I still eat more ice cream than anything else.

Not liking ice cream is like not liking dogs — which, incidentally, the Obamas don’t have. Slightly Muslimy, I’d say.