True story: Overheard in the ‘hood — A dean at a Washington Heights high school tells a girl to get to class. She replies, “Obama says I don’t have to.”

Upon hearing that Barack Obama won the American election, hundreds of would-be undocumented workers approaching the U.S. border turned around and headed back to Mexico. Indeed, Obama’s plans to bankrupt the country are secretly his solution to unchecked immigration.

True story: Some bulls, goats and a chicken were slaughtered today in the Kenyan relatives’ celebration of the Obama victory. One sacrificial goat, a gift from a London Times reporter, was named John.

A Yahoo! headline today read, “Obama Faces Daunting Challenges.” It is indeed a daunting task to dismantle a country’s entire security and intelligence apparatus.

Another Yahoo! headline read, “First Truly Global U.S. President.” As Susan Sarandon told her kids on 9/11, we’ve just joined the rest of the world.

Now that Americans are citizens of the world and not just America, what with our first truly global president, does this mean that when Janeane Garofolo shows up on Bill Maher’s show wearing a tank top, we can stone her afterwards?

Obama’s white grandmother died a day before she could give her racist grandson the satisfaction of seeing him elected president.

Stunned by their overwhelming victory, bewildered Democrats could be heard reflecting, “Wow, we could have totally skipped the voter fraud this year.”

From a teacher at a Washington Heights high school: “The celebrating today has been out of control. Kids are certain that now there will be no testing, there will be legalized pot, and relaxed drug laws as far as punishment is concerned, and much much more. The dregs of society are partying today. And the 14-year-old girls of Washington Heights will be celebrating Obama’s victory by getting pregnant.”