Predictably, Bill Clinton is still alive and as healthy as ever after undergoing heart surgery on Thursday. He was finally fitted with a human heart to replace the mechanical one that was causing years of crocodile tears, and frequently malfunctioned: the tears would switch on heavily for world tragedies affecting people of color, but would dry up for Europeans that his bombs dismembered and for women that he raped.

According to Baylor University Medical Center cardiologist Clyde Yancy, “This kind of disease is progressive. It’s not a one-time event, so it really points out the need for constant surveillance.”

Which means that finally, Bill Clinton will be under surveillance. A long-awaited victory for national security indeed.