I figured out why The New York Times is doing treasonous reporting: to deflect from all its fake reporting. They want to prove themselves, to say, “Look, we can still get it right — and endanger you children!”

They must not like the fact that these days, you can’t just start a sentence with “The New York Times reported…” You have to say, “The New York Times reported — accurately…”

It’s more of a punch line than a paper, really. It’s going to get to the point that people will blush the way they do when admitting they read The National Enquirer. It’ll go: “I was reading The New York Ti — I know, I know, but this was confirmed to be true…”

Maybe they’ll stop those damned smug commercials that go, “The only thing I like better than doing the crossword puzzle — is finishing it.”

Because the only thing my dog likes better than peeing on that puzzle — is pooping on it.