Catching up on a few late-2013-breaking items this week.

Just when you thought post-9/11 flakiness passed her over, don’t count her out. Just when you thought she wasn’t merely another dumb blonde dating a Muslim, it turns out Madonna did decide after all to join the “stupid hen” club, as one German social worker some years ago called a woman trying to escape her violent Muslim husband.

We know she’s into S & M, and maybe those death threats about performing in Tel-Aviv turned her on too much to resist. But to give her some credit, she’s probably studying it to find the loopholes allowing for Muslim-Jewish co-existence.

Has Madonna ditched Kabbalah for Islam? Singer reveals she is studying the Koran (Daily Mail, Oct. 7)

It is almost a quarter of a century since she first sang Like A Prayer.

But it seems the intervening years have done little to help Madonna decide exactly who she’s praying to.

For it appears the queen of re-invention may be on the verge of one of her most startling changes yet, after she revealed she was studying the Koran.

Now the singer, whose current partner is a Muslim, has begun investigating Islam. [Well it’s about time someone did!]

She said: ‘I am building schools for girls in Islamic countries and studying the Koran.

‘I think it is important to study all the holy books. As my friend Yaman always tells me, a good Muslim is a good Jew, and a good Jew is a good Christian, and so forth. I couldn’t agree more.’

Madonna has followed Kabbalah since 1996…But she and her current partner Brahim Zaibat, 25, have reportedly argued about religion because of his Muslim faith.

No kidding!

And yet, what pious Muslim runs around with damaged infidel goods more than twice his age? An infidel that’s the very embodiment of Western misbehavior.

Someone should also explain to him how a harem works: he’s supposed to have one, not be part of one. And what’s a Muslim to do with all her gay-love? She worships gays probably more than he worships Allah.

One wonders what his reaction was to the penis-shaped bong she instagrammed to fans as her favorite present of 2013. (It’s nice the 15-year-old — I mean, 55-year-old — still finds novelty in, and flaunts her excitement over, things shaped like penises. Yes, Dear, we know. And it’s nice that Daily Mail still classifies such trifles as “controversy.” The instagram was part of her announced New Year’s resolution to “f***in’ own it. 2014 is mine!’ As if she hasn’t owned the last three decades.)

But let’s see how well the sultana’s bodyguards protect her, given that she’s dating, essentially, a CIA profile. One hopes security is allowed into the bedroom. Because there’s a 50-50 chance that a more radical pal will convince Zaibat that, given his proximity to the biggest symbol of Western depravity, it is his duty to deprive the West of one of its most celebrated icons. They’ll have to rewrite the song as “Like a Snare.”

It’s quite the long-term rebound from half-Jewish Sean Penn, to whom Madonna never lost her attachment. Or maybe she’s looking to outdo the violence of that relationship which ended when she drove to police after Penn gagged, beat, bound, and molested her, threatening also to cut off her hair. Which is always good practice for the Islamic version of that.

In other flaky-Westerner news, the six-year-old Colorado boy suspended for kissing a girl’s hand was allowed back to school in December, and the “sexual harassment” charge has been changed to “misconduct.” The things we teach our kids. I’m sure if he had kissed a boy’s hand instead, he’d be Student of the Month.

On that note, a 13-year-old boy’s Bar Mitzvah speech that went viral in December advocated redefining marriage to include gay marriage. (Because, as evidenced by Reform doctrine, to be Jewish is to love gays. Which means that, no matter how much Koran she reads, Madonna is hopelessly Jewish.)

As an argument for gay marriage, the boy cited how much traditional marriage has changed since the days of Jacob and his two wives. Not realizing, of course, that by redefining marriage he’s moving us backwards to those ancient days.

Anyway, that’s one for the gays, and one for the Muslims. In both cases, the recruits and fellow travelers are adding up. We don’t know when the final showdown will be (gays have to first admit there’ll be one), but I want a front-row seat.